On Perfection

I am a perfectionist. Plain and simple. But only recently have I truly begun to realize just how imperfect practically everything is.

It all started with calculus. "What do you mean we can't find the exact answer?!" I exclaimed internally to myself. "How could we possibly get so close to an answer, and infinitely so, without ever finding it?! There's got to be an end somewhere... right?" I would think when we first began limits. While I logically knew why it's impossible, I just could not hold an intuitive belief of how this fairly advanced math could not find the answer. Though I've come to accept it. Sort of.

I mean, okay. I'm a biochemistry major. I am all too familiar with the concept of entropy. In fact, I see my world in terms of chemistry (which is a whole 'nother post to make), so quite often I use the word "entropy" to describe things. "My God, the entropy..." I might whisper to myself when I unlock my disheveled dorm room, which is a single, by the way. (Which "only" happens if I'm too focused on studying... so all the time.) It really is amazing, though, this entropy business. There's not a thing I can think of that goes against it in the grand scheme of things. Which I suppose is obvious, since it applies to the entire universe and is a solidly accepted idea in science. But still.

My organic chemistry professor was telling us, one lecture, about this academic paper he was reviewing. How it had so many mistakes in basic theory. "Sometimes it really surprises me that someone who does this for a living wouldn't remember these basic things." I suppose before hearing him talk about that, I naively perceived research scientists to be super meticulous about everything. Not making a mistake. Always finding something new. Logically, I know that's not true. I suppose it's just one of those things that I never did think too deeply about, so despite the logic of it all, I just had that kind of preconceived attitude about it all.

I find a similar paradox when it comes to adults in general. To children, adults seem to have it all figured out. Everything is going fine and well. My first impression of most adults does not involve the thought of the mistakes they make or the things they might have done when they were teenagers, but recently I have thought about it. The generation I was born into can't be that different from the adults of previous generations. The fundamentals are all the same. For example, the popularity of alcohol is nothing new. But for some reason I just can't bring myself to believe that a large majority of these older adults probably did drink in college, sometimes to the point of blacking out or doing something really stupid. I'm sure plenty of them partied, too. Perhaps they experimented with "the hippie experience" of the 70s, as well. It's just interesting because, those things that I see as irresponsible (or at least "unprofessional", depending on context and extent, mind you) that people my age to do, I can't bring myself to fully believe that that was the reality of these older adults when they were my age. It's just so strange. But I suppose we're programmed, though perhaps unintentionally, as children to think that way. Adults just have it together. That's reality to the young person. Unless I was somehow different in the respect. That's just how I've always seen it. Let me know if things were different for you, I'm interested.

All of this considered, it has recently made so much more sense to me (intuitively) why people seem to just not have it together in general. While I know plenty of things such as intelligence, overall motivation, etc. are bell curves, meaning most people are "average", I've begun to see that as irrelevant in some contexts. For example, when people post "funny" things on the internet about being a procrastinator. I don't find them funny at all. I'll admit it right now, when I was around middle school age I was an outcast, so that made it seem okay to have an condescending attitude towards people. Back then I would see those types of posts as an excuse. I would see it as something people do to make themselves feel better without doing anything to fix it. Because when I see a problem with myself (or anything else - yes, I was a grammar nazi at that age, too) I fix it. Immediately. Perhaps it can't be completely solved all at once, or even at all, but I just dive in and work to improve it. That's how I am. So I would be baffled to see people joke about being huge procrastinators instead of fixing it. Frankly, I still am, to an extent.

The thing is, however, I don't have it completely together, either. (Believe it or not... /sarcasm.) While there are certain aspects about myself that are within the higher percentiles of those bell curves, there are plenty others where I fall average or even below average. When I was a child, I would hear adults refer to me as "above average" quite often. I think that really stuck with me all these years, because I do tend to carry myself very highly. Which can be great in some contexts, but quite obviously bad in others, especially if it turns out not to be true. It's not even about being condescending... I try to look at myself in a very objective way. To analyze the data, not make an opinion. That's not a perfect system, either, of course, but it's something. I really do think that whole "above average" thing has been imprinted. As a result, I quite firmly believe that I belong somewhere along the spectrum of OCPD. Not surprising, I suppose. I find myself trying to be good at everything so that people see me as competent. (Though having broad skills can be nice, in itself.) It causes me a noticeable amount of stress, despite how unnecessary it is.


The point is, newsflash, the world is definitely not perfect! While I can't say that this realization will stop me from being a perfectionist, I think it's an important thing to remember. That it's an important thing to realize before you age too much. I think that realization will, over time, allow me to enjoy life a lot more. OCPD is characterized by general close-mindedness, and I don't really perceive myself as such. In fact, I really do like to think I'm quite open-minded.

... But I can always be better, right?

--M